C is for Caring.

Why do I do this?
What makes living worth its suffering?
What do I have to live for, what have I?
I have nothing. I haven't even the decency to assume that there is someone out there who cares for me. Because no one cares. No one can care. It's impossible to care just to care.
And it's such a bother and a pain, of guilt, to deny that people care about me.

To care you must have some reason why. Maybe it's because you like the person about whom you care, maybe it's because you're compensating for something, maybe it's because it would kill you with guilt if you cared about no one. I know it does me.
It's odd that I have a conscience, but hardly any real morals.
But there is always some reason for caring associated with the self. There's always the Self. You cannot be Selfless. You wouldn't be human.

Maybe you care about a person because they're your child, or your lover, or your misstress or your co-worker, or your friend. But there's always some variation of the first or second person singular pronouns. There's always a variation of "you" or "I" or both.
I care about you.

But I don't care about You. I don't care about You at all. And it drives me up the fucking wall, drives me insane how much I don't care, but how much fucking guilt I feel.
I don't care, but I'm guilty. I'm guilty of not caring. I'm guilty because I'm supposed to care.

And I don't like relationships because I can't care. I can't care. And You will undoubtedly tell me that You care about me, and I--I will never believe it because I don't know what it means to care. I don't know what it's like to care about something enough to fight for it. I don't know. I only know what it's like when I can't say something and be honest about how I feel. I only know the guilt associated with this lack of knowledge. Because my lack of knowledge makes it doubly unfair. Wholly unfair. Because I don't care about You, but You care about me.
And I cannot do that to myself.
I will not do that to myself.
I will not engage in a non-mutual relationship.
I will not laden my Self with guilt.

I don't want to feel guilty.
I don't want to not care about You.
I just don't.
And I can't help it.
And I wish I did care, but that has never helped me.